Living in the grey- south asian post wedding wardrobe | work

Abstract in BW- Wix

South Asian post-wedding wardrobe, a thing of the past?

Living in the grey -chapter two

BY Kainat

August 2, 2020

Read time: 5 mins

Prologue

Living in the grey; not because it’s dull or sad by the way, but because it’s in the middle, never defined and terribly confusing.

This will be a series of posts relating to two things; firstly, being a newly married human and secondly about life in a new house with a new family because yes, I moved from my family-home into my in-laws house.

NOTE: my in-laws are lovely human beings, they are kind and generous people and I love them dearly. These posts are not to vent about them in any way, but purely to relay and unpick my own insecurities and stupid moments which I have learnt from #growing.

Clothing for me is mostly about comfort/practicality. To some, it may carry more meaning and they may prioritise it as a medium to express themselves artistically. For others, clothing may be a representation of how they want to be viewed by others or to show/disguise wealth. Whatever we may want to communicate through our clothing is unique and especially in the comfort of spaces we consider home, it is not something that I feel should be defined by expectation.

There is an expectation in South Asian culture that when a girl marries and moves into her in-laws (as I have done) she needs to present herself in a certain refined manner; particularly demonstrated through her wardrobe. This for me was a challenge, and one I felt I was unnecessarily burdened with at a time when I was already having to process a lot of change (i.e. getting used to being a wife, building a relationship with the in-laws, and finding a new rhythm for my life).

Feeling comfy- Wix

During the many months spent preparing for the wedding, I was baffled as to how much energy was spent on preparing and planning how I best used my post-wedding wardrobe. All of a sudden returning from work and changing into a t-shirt and jogging bottoms was considered a ridiculous notion. What I wore around the house now needed to be carefully thought through so that I was being respectful to my surroundings. Are my tops long enough? Are they nice enough? Are they new enough? What if someone pops over uninvited… do I have something nicer to change into? Basically be presentable and prepared for all wardrobe eventualities at all times which to me equated to always being alert and conscious of my clothes and my body, and to never (apart from when I am alone with my husband) let my guard down.

Also, remember this doesn’t come cheap, at a time when we were trying to curtail costs so that we could stick to our tight wedding budget we were also stocking up on some Khaadi, Gul Ahmed, Bareezé (all well-known brands in Pakistan). Most of these now remain folded in my wardrobe wafting me with an air of guilt every time I glance over them whilst I reach for my trusty baggy t-shirt and my over-worn lint covered jogging bottoms. Despite my protestations when buying these, my lovely mum was convinced that when you moved in with your in-laws your return from work routine should involve putting on a nice freshly ironed shalwar-kameez (FYI they crease badly if you ever dare to get comfy on a sofa). She wasn’t wrong. On the odd occasion when I do comply with my mother's instructions I get rave reviews from my mother-in-law as soon as I walk through the door for dinner.

Wedding shopping in Pakistan- own images

This need to be appropriately dressed within what should be your space to unwind is my cultural observation; as someone who was raised in Pakistan as a child and then joined the Pakistani community in England. When I think about all new brides in the family in the weeks (sometimes months) following the wedding were always dolled-up to some extent, whether it was their clothes, make-up or wearing specific items of jewellery that were gifted over the wedding. And in the following months, if there was ever an event (no matter how big or small), they almost looked bride-like once again to adhere to the expectation of being a ‘naee dulhan’ (a new bride). When I was younger I was always in awe of their beauty and style but now I wonder, they too must have had days where they wanted to put on comfy stuff and not bother with their hair and perhaps they too just wanted to blend into the crowd at events where they were guests and not the main attraction. The concept of a married woman being pristine for months after the wedding is strange and one which I will never wrap my head around. Who is it for?

I wanted to delve deeper so I asked my mum what she was thinking when she was buying me these outfits and coming up with a plan for what I should wear. She raised some interesting points:

My daughter is essentially moving in with strangers and therefore she should present herself in the best possible way.
My daughter is moving into a household where she will constantly be around three non-mahram men (men with whom marriage is permissible) and therefore she needs to dress appropriately; these men being my younger brothers-in-law.
Dressing well serves as a guard if you always look well presented then it gives people less to critique, so in this family of strangers this will help them build a good perception of whom they have brought into their home as a daughter.

All of the above seems sensible from my mum’s point of view but to me feels archaic. Yes I am moving into a family of strangers but this will be my home and they have invited me into it, why can they walk around in pyjamas but at the same time judge me for doing so? I don’t usually wear clothes where I flaunt my body so why should the fact that I am now living with three men all of whom consider me their sister be an issue? Why should someone’s view of how good of a daughter-in-law I will be so reliant on my clothes?

My desi home wardrobe- own image

My mum talked about her own experiences as a daughter-in-law and how she would only let her wardrobe guard down around her nuclear family. She reminded me that in Pakistan most people lived in an extended family set up which meant that there were always a lot of people around and a regular stream of visitors which made being presentable even more important as there was a certain protocol to be maintained. This just honed in on the fact that perhaps this concept doesn’t really apply itself outside of that context and as South Asian families steer away from living with their extended families perhaps these expectations should be relaxed?

My final point is about how there is no similar expectation from the man who did not have to move into a new home and get used to a new family and remains safely ensconced in his own home with the comfort of his own family, his own space and his old wardrobe. Ponder that.